Goodbye 2016. Yes, long overdue. The first week of my 2017 has been spent investing love in others. So deep has this time been that I think I only realized a few days ago that the year is actually in full swing! Forgive me! So here we go! It’s that time of the year when the general populous is engaging in reflection over the year gone by and are making attempts to guide the new year by setting performance parameters in the form of resolutions. Determining to change our lives in one way or another that will see us get one step closer to being our ideals selves. We try knowing we might not stick it out, but it is better to make the effort.
I’m on the fence about resolutions. I do believe in setting goals for year that will help get us out of bed on the mornings when we are uncertain about why we are even still alive. However, I do not believe in going overboard and attempting to overhaul your entire being at the entrance of a new batch of 365 days. I subscribe to the school of thought the change must occur organically. The urge to change, and the drive that will propel it forward thereafter needs to come from a well deep within us that recognizes the potential to surpass our current level of comfort. So there is no diet on the horizon for me, I like my new curves! There will be no clichés for me. I’m going into this blind, but I am taking one thing with me. My mistakes. If you’re not shocked, I have clearly become predictable, in which case I might have to set a resolution!
So I write today to hail and give thanks for closed doors. Yes, I am grateful for the things that did not work out. The plans that failed, the cluelessness in the face of the defeat, the times I fell flat on my face, in the mud, wearing a white t-shirt. I am giving thanks for it all today. My embarrassment and confusion have served me well. I have had more guidance by my failings this past year than I have had by the things that appeared to be going well but were in actual fact the proverbial rat on a wheel situations. My failings, in retrospect have been the blessing that I needed in 2016, in that they have offered a silent redirection towards the woman that I believe I was created to be.
Closed doors are shocking. Can anything be more humbling and humiliating than confronting a disappointment? There you sit, having had faith in yourself that this venture would work out. You put yourself out there and went for it. The village cheered you on and spoke words of encouragement over you, pumping your veins full of hype like an addict on a binge. You went in with blinkers on, full speed ahead and all that. If you’re like me, you prayed, did the declarations and opened your arms to receive. Then all this investment exploded in your face, and now, what do you do? I have felt that shame and horror so deeply last year. I did all the “right” things, so how could this happen? It has made me doubt myself, and caused several sleepless nights as I tried to decipher where it was that I took a wrong turn. Questions arose in my own mind about my value and capabilities as a person. Am I weak? Do I really have what it takes? Why did this happen to me? This time can be heavy on anyone, but there is a bright side to this. Well, at least for my sake I’m going to hunt for the silver lining.
My closed doors are a blessing. The things that did not work out made me ask myself questions that I had no room to ask while I was busy being socially acceptable. My closed doors have given me renewed energy and direction to pursue who I have found I am as the lava from my erupting life settled. My closed doors are God’s hand on my shoulder, caring too much about me to allow me to continue to walk against my purpose. My closed doors are my protection from chasing a sedentary life, nice from far but far from nice. My closed doors are my answered prayers. Indirectly, and in a wildly unexpected way, but still they carried the voice of God. My closed doors are the true friends that tell you what you don’t want to hear, but need to know in order to be restored. My closed doors are my temporary sorrow, the darkness before dawn. Yes, it always got better. My closed doors were opportunities for me to dig deep and find a resilience and a strength to overcome that I was unaware was hiding deep within me. My closed doors humbled my heart and brought me back to the place of prayer, the place I should have always been. The place where God was real.
I have the biggest smile on my face as I look back on the way the last year has changed me. I have been so foolish. Enchanted by my naïve understanding of this mighty gift called life. My closed doors have been my saving grace. What woman would have emerged from within me had I not been through the fire? They say gold is refined in fire. I don’t believe I’m quite there, still have some ways to go. But hey, those closed doors removed from me the impure parts of my personality that were comfortable in the environments from which I have since been separated. I am moving forward in confidence that even my missteps in 2017 will inevitably lead me to a better place. An honest place of self-evaluation from which I will emerge more loving, wiser, and more woman! I am excited and terrified at the same time, but I’m going in!
I am Born Extraordinary