I am good enough….

I am the black sheep. The bad child. The one they wish was different but never say it out loud. The one people ask about last, after all its not good news. I am not right, and likely never will be. I will never be the favourite. I have never been the top of the class. Never been the most feminine. In fact, it would appear, looking at the rebuke that has been laid on me over the years that my sole contribution to this world has been complete failure and utter disappointment. I learned very young in life that the thing one thing I could do in life that would guarantee me love and acceptance was to be nothing like my true self, and be everything that others expected me to be. So I succumbed to the pressure to be “good”, even though I felt empty inside. Every time I was required to act in a way opposite to my true nature, a little bit of my soul went into hiding.

It is a cold, dark place to be, to be afraid to be your real self, but to be burdened into living a lie. The only safe place I could find was the darkness of a little corner, in a privacy that often was invaded. It is a lonely place to be pushed to silence, because your truth is not welcome in the world that values and celebrates living lies. To stand up and defend your ideals is to be considered the accursed rebel that seeks to destroy society with an unbridled disrespect for the status quo. A status quo that need never be challenged as it is widely believed that things are perfect just as they are. The status quo that’s tasked to question, ridicule and obliterate any thought that is contrary to the boring normal. Any individuality and creativity that pushes the boundaries of what is the safe zone must be controlled and limited. The mental anguish from the emotional battle that raged between my mind and my soul ailed me for years on end.

Then I found out, almost utterly by accident that I need not succumb to the pressures to be the thing that I am not. So I made the decision that I will not be politically correct and I will not be bullied into submission. I have a voice. A loud voice at that! This would later be my superpower. Granted it took me years to discover it. It took me some time to recognize that the resistance to my rights of expression was an oppressive structure, set to keep me subservient to the system. It took me years to find myself, and even more time to believe that it was okay to true to the woman that I discovered within. My thoughts matter and my opinions are not insignificant. This confidence is in stark contrast to my conditioning, which has taught me that as long as I adhered to the standards and expectations set by those around me, I was worthy of love. I often had to abandon who I was in order to keep the peace in a society that demanded I look good rather than actually be good. The unhealthy practice of placing a band aid over a broken bone. So I rejected the habit of being fake, the act of pretense is infinitely more exhausting than addressing the truth, and accepting it. And it was that deceptively simple choice that altered the direction of my life completely.

So yes, I will never be the favourite….I don’t want to be. And that’s okay. I will never be the one that people look at as right, and that’s okay too. If solitude is the price I pay to have my uniqueness valued and recognised, that is a price I’m willing to pay. The trade off is too great to even fathom. I cannot grasp the concept of playing down who I am to appease a people that will not live with the ghosts of the consequences. So I reject the world’s request to conform with a huff! I was born extraordinary. I am incredible in my out-of-order way, and I stand proud to be wrong! I will not plead forgiveness for I am not wrong for being comfortable in the finished works of the creator. I am a divine being and should not shun my greatness in favour of the passing nods of approval from the unsatisfied beast that is society. There is no regret in me, there is only a joy. A joy that had evaded me all the years of my life, for in playing to society I did not know myself. Having found myself I have found a path to purpose and fulfillment. So I salute my hardships. Without anything to fight, I would not have ended up where I am today.

I am Born Extraordinary!! Unquestionably!

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